My Emotions In A Glass Window

 When I am around people I don’t know well or strangers, I feel translucent. It’s as if they don’t see me; what I am wearing or what I look like. I feel like my tanned skin becomes like a glass window, through which anyone can see. If they do stop to glance inside, they don’t see muscle and bone, but instead, see my truths. It’s like a movie of my life is constantly running for everyone to watch and no matter how hard I try I cannot close the curtains.

Insecurity is a bitch, rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moments. For me, it attacks in the moment, every moment; anywhere, anytime. It does not giving me a minute’s rest. Insecurity does not walk alone. It is best friends with the prevalent negative voice that replays in your head over and over. One feeds off the other.

I don’t want to feel like a stranger’s random glance is a dirty look, or a group of people laughing, are doing so at me. Rationally, I know both of those things likely are not true, but convincing my mind of that is a different story.  I am tired of the fear and anxiety that is brought on by these insecurities. I don’t want any spotlights shining on me, putting me at the center of attention, I truly just want to blend in, or at least feel like I do.

I wondered what the root of my insecurities was for a long time. I blamed everything from the sexual abuse and domestic violence, to the insults and degradation all around me. Something from my childhood has caused these feelings so deeply, they feel innate. If it’s not that, It must be one of my illnesses then. Maybe the Borderline Personality Disorder, or the Major Depressive Disorder, or the CPTSD.  Could I throw blame at the Persistent Depressive Disorder or lifelong suicidal thoughts? After all, feeling insecure is common in many disorders, so it must be that.

I can’t recall the moment the light bulb finally turned on, but I can tell you the revelation that came with it. My insecurity around people may have been compounded by past traumas, however, the one place I didn’t look was inside myself. I learned I project the negative feelings I have about myself onto everyone around me, bringing me right back to feeling see-through.

My mind says, by glancing in my window, you will instantly see me as I see myself. If I feel ugly that day, why wouldn’t you think the same? If I feel like a failure, how could you not see me that way? If I can barely like myself, how do I expect you to? Since I know what my scars are from, the random person I pass on the street must know too. I could go on and on, but I think the point is clear.

“Rational emotions” should be an oxymoron.

Sadly, sometimes when that proverbial light turns on, it shows us a glimpse of light in the darkness but does not lead us out. Will I always feel insecure around people that don’t know me? Will I forever avoid people, places, and things?

There are no pills for this. The years of intermittent therapy have helped in so many ways, but I still with my insecurities. I have read self-help books. I have done the corresponding workbooks, to no avail. The answer lies in me. The moment I stop feeling ugly, or like a failure, or like a walking scar, will be the minute I stop thinking that you see me as I do. It will be a day where I feel self-assured and fearless. It will be a day when I feel finally feel free.

I imagine what a wonderful day it will be.

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